Adios Baja

The words usually come to me but this time it is hard. 

How can I write an elegy. I can't. Not yet any way. The bond between her and I was such that I feel not only loss but totally lost. Not to say that I am not with out means to find my way. But I am so far away from where I was a week ago. 

However, I know there is meaning to my sadness. I know she was always teaching me. And continue the lesson I shall. Time. There is never enough time. Not much means more than packing as much love into the precious amount of time we have. For nearly 14 years we spent nearly every hour of everyday together. This past year was borrowed time and I knew it. I knew going on adventures in my van without her changed my whole outlook on weekends. I knew more emptiness was around the corner but no amount of preparation could soften death's blow.

She could not get up all day. We phoned the vet. Then she got up with some help. On her own went out and had a piss and then puked up the biggest yellow hairball you can imagine. I took her to the shop and gave her a bath. Content and at peace she slept into the night. Near midnight I awoke to find her shaking and for the first time ever I knew. I knew time had come.

I knew that what we had was special and no chemical injection from a stranger's needle in some over lit pet hospital was justice to her bad-ass epic life. I grew up on a working ranch and I know the shocking cold crack of a bullet. The contradiction of harsh and sweet, the straw floored stable I first met the puppy is a stable I have seen many an animal birthed and yet many a still born I had to haul to the bone yard as well. We took one last drive, her head calm in my lap. Her shaking stopped and I knew we both knew each other's thoughts. Once out side of the city limits I pulled over to park and overlook all the twinkling city lights below. 

Out side the wind blew so fierce I could hardly stand as I brought her out to the damp ground. She lay on her bed calmly embracing the strong currents around her majestic beautiful coat. Coming out of nowhere. Howling like no wind I have ever known.

This is where I can no longer describe.

It is not easy to be brave. 

She was.

The next morning I put her in the ground behind my shop.
I cried for two days straight.
I sure am going to miss her and will always be grateful for our time together.
Time.
There will never be enough time.
Fill it with all the love you can.